You're allowed to acknowledge your feelings. You're allowed to feel them intensely at times -- and to feel weighed down by that intensity. But that sensitivity to feel so deeply, as difficult as it is, is also a gift -- perhaps your own private superpower. The trick is learning to harness that gift so it’s instrumental for good. So it touches people. So it changes lives.
I've always said being open and vulnerable is the only way to be. In a sense, I think it's the only way I know how to be. Apart from my constant persistence at hiding, a part of me wants to be exposed. I feel that exposing yourself forces you to face who you are - and with that comes acceptance. And with acceptance comes healing. At least, that is my hope. Perhaps there is someone out there in a world beyond my immediate reach who is searching for affirmation to know they are not alone. That their struggle is important. That there is hope. And commonality. Even if it's from a post by someone they've never met.
I am tired of wondering if certain people will get offended by certain things. Of worrying if I've said too much. Of hiding who I am. I'm tired of stigmas, judgments, and molds that I refuse to fit into. I'm tired of the pressure to keep myself in a neat little package so I look pretty to everyone. Maybe if we all started being honest about ourselves, it wouldn't be such a radical occasion? Shouldn't honesty be what sets us apart? Shouldn't that be worth something?
I want to be real. I want my art to be real. I would rather sit in silence than censor myself. And if you're out there reading this - I challenge you to be bold with me. Let your voice be heard. Be free. Be yourself. There's no one else like you. Some of us may be broken, scarred, jaded, and complete wrecks at times. But you're still you. I'm still me. No one else can be us. We are beautiful and loved and unique. Knowing that, we should all be fighting like hell to embrace ourselves.
Sometimes I have the crazy notion that perhaps love -- the good kind of love -- can ground you. The I want to climb mountains with you, watch sunsets with you, and binge watch shows on Netflix with you kind of love. The I could sit and talk about nothing with you and be perfectly content kind of love. The I can live without you but I sure as hell don't want to kind of love. Perhaps you are not longing for romance in the big Hollywood sense of the word; perhaps all you long for are the simple, small, ordinary pieces that come with sharing a spectacular life with someone who is also sharing their spectacular life with you.
Sadness does not always manifest itself as a state of deep despair. Sometimes it's simply a silent guest in my soul. Most days you would not find tears on my cheeks; but if you could see my heart, you would discover tiny fractures in the muscular tissue of the organ that pumps blood through my veins and keeps me alive. On those days the sadness is as much a part of me as my laughter, or my love. I don't think I could extract it or eradicate it. And although the burden of sadness can frequently overwhelm me, maybe there's a quiet and fierce beauty in its presence. Maybe sadness makes me human, and in that sense, it makes me whole.
Finding yourself isn't about not knowing who you are -- you already know exactly who you are. No, finding yourself is about teaching yourself to believe something contrary to what you've been taught. We are taught to be afraid. To be guarded. To give up. We are taught that we aren't worthy, or beautiful, or loved. But these notions are all lies. Finding yourself isn't about being lost to who you are as a person -- it's about reaching out past the lies to the truth that's buried in your soul, and holding on to that truth with everything that's in you.
And although the journey of finding yourself is often a solo adventure, you will need friends to encourage you along the way -- to remind you that you are fierce when you feel small, to show you your inner brilliance when the sadness hides it from you. You deserve an incredible life. Find the energy to push back the sadness and give the proverbial middle finger to all the things that tell you to give up. Fight for yourself -- for your life. You only get one. One brief moment on this broad spectrum of time. In sadness, or happiness, in fulfillment, or longing -- this is it. Embrace it, with all it's possibilities and tragedies. And while tonight you may feel sadness, I hope you also feel hope -- hope for this journey, this journey of finding you.